new year

Just a quick update now a new year has begun! Things are looking a lot more positive than this time last year. I have a diagnosis, can manage my symptoms and hopefully am not far off going back to work.

Being able to manage my symptoms while working will be very challenging but it’s something I want to do, having been off work for so long, even if it’s not quite what I expected I’d be doing a year and a half after qualifying as a nurse.

I can’t believe how things have changed since this time last year. In early 2017 I was still waiting for a diagnosis, in fact had only just heard of PoTS, but was sure I’d be working again in a couple of months. Little did I know things would first get worse before they got better, and that I would be off work for such a long time.

2018 has started off in a much more positive way. I’ve been able to enjoy celebrating Hogmanay in Edinburgh, have had a weekend away in the Peaks walking, and visited friends and family. I’m so grateful to have amazing and supportive people around me and am also glad that I am getting to make the most of my time off now I feel well enough to enjoy myself. It’s been a long journey to get to this point and it’s taken a lot of patience, determination and perseverance. I know that while I’ll still have ups and downs symptom-wise, I’m now in a much better position to get through the down parts.

So now all that’s left is to wait and see what there is in store for me jobs wise (oh I forgot to mention, Occupational Health have finally cleared me as fit to work, in a desk based role rather than clinical nurse, so I am just waiting for a meeting regarding my redeployment to a new job with my manager and HR) which seems like a huge step in the right direction!

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feeling accomplished!

So, I think I’m finally starting to get the hang of this PoTS thing. For the first time in ages I finally feel like I’m recovering and I definitely think that this is down to the exercise I’m able to do now. I honestly can’t believe how much more active I can be now; I’ve not used my wheelchair or commode for over a month.
I’m so relieved to be able to say goodbye to the wheelchair. I know I have it if I ever need it again and it’s been such a help, allowing me to carry on with life and get out and about, but I’m certainly not missing it! I’m also able to cycle on my exercise bike for half an hour most days which feels pretty amazing!

The big news though is that earlier this week I managed my first run since last November. I say run, I’m sure most people could walk faster if I’m honest. It was harder than any run I’ve done before and very slow; I didn’t get very far, but at least it’s a start. My heart rate went sky high but thankfully recovered after half an hour or so of lying down drinking water by the pint! I’ve had to tailor my exercise regime around when my highest dose of Ivabradine is due so that I’m getting maximum benefit from my medication.

I’m feeling so much better at the moment which I’m putting down to the fact that I’ve been able to increase the amount of exercise I do. I feel almost human again! I’m mainly only struggling with the extreme fatigue, lack of appetite and nausea and I had a pretty bad bank holiday Monday as I woke up vomiting but I didn’t feel too unwell after so can’t really complain.

Hopefully it’s onwards and upwards from here!

lambs, lakes and laughter

I’ve just come back from a weekend away in the lakes with some lovely friends from uni. I was a bit apprehensive of how I would manage, and was also worried about having PoTS symptoms around people who know me from when I was well. I’m used to the reaction from people that because I don’t look ill, I must be fine.

I needn’t have worried  because I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to spend time with. They let me go at my own pace, have lots of naps, cooked and took me out in my wheelchair for which I was so grateful.

We were staying on a working farm and there were two very cute hand reared lambs in the field next to us, as well as free range chickens who seemed very keen on trying to break into the house whenever the door was open. I was proud of myself as on the first day I managed a short walk (we took my trangia and made a brew half way round for a cheeky break!). The next day we went for the day to Conistion Water but I wasn’t leaving the wheelchair behind for that! We were really lucky with the weather too, with blue skies and gorgeous sunshine.


In terms of how my PoTS was on holiday, I had all the usual brain fog, headaches, nausea, aches and pains and dizziness. I felt extremely fatigued and had to have naps where I was flat out comatose on the sofa for hours at a time. I found the third and fourth doses of ivabradine didn’t even touch me with horrendous palpitations throughout the afternoons and evenings. I could barely stand and felt really bad that I was unable to cook or wash up or generally be useful because I’m one of those people who like to get stuck in and help out. I do feel very lucky though that I was well enough to be able to go and very appreciative of my amazing friends. Love you all!!

The exercise bike will have to wait yet again whilst I recover, especially in this heat. When I arrived home I was so tired I could barely speak, and I slept for two days. Now I’m dragging myself out of that hole and managed to go for a gentle swim in our local lido today with my cousin. The heart palpitations are back with a vengeance! It was so worth it though because mothing can compare with spending time with good friends. I needed the change of scenery and some time away independent of my family (lovely though they are!).

if at first you don’t succeed….please fill in the form

Today I attempted to apply for benefits. After 60 minutes listening to a loop of 8 bars of Handel’s water music the last thing I wanted to hear when I got through was ‘>sigh< hmmmf >sigh< good morning my name’s …… this call will take 60 further minutes of your time do you still want to continue’. 10 mins in and they’ve given up on me and decided to send my forms in the post (they read out a paragraph of info I was required to listen to about postal forms, but so fast it sounded like when they read out small print at the end of an advert. The gist of it was if I now try and ring up to apply for benefits rather than fill in the form I will be fed to ravenous lions by Theresa May or something, it got a bit confusing at the end).

It turns out I got my security questions wrong because I moved house before christmas and the system still hasn’t updated yet. So I was given the choice of ringing up again and being on hold for 60 mins and then lying (I mean giving different answers) when asked my security questions (?!) Wow. Not wanting to spend another 2 hours on the phone giving ‘alternative facts’ to the department of work and pensions I chose a form instead. Which I imagine is going to be great fun and I’m really looking forward to it coming next week (they’re sending it 2nd class to really prolong my enjoyment and anticipation!).

on yer bike

I’ve not written in a while because the last fortnight has passed in a blur. I woke up the day after my last blog post and madly decided to take the next step: exercise! I have seen research that claims exercise is the single best thing you can do to manage PoTS symptoms, but knew this would be impossible to start without the help of drugs to allow me to tolerate exercise.

As I was now on medication I decided the time was right and it felt good to unpack all my old running gear (yes I still hadn’t unpacked them from when we moved house!).  I’ve started on an exercise bike because I can sit down and go as slow as I want. I’m not going to see the benefits for months yet, so it will be worth it in the long term, although realistically in the short term it’s leaving me worse off. 5 mins on the exercise bike is leaving me in bed for the rest of the day!

My eventual aim to to be able to run again but the eight month plan I downloaded from the dysautonomia international website for PoTS patients advises to wait until month 5 at least before starting upright exercise.  It feels good to have something to work towards though, and it feels like I’m achieving something positive.

how many spoons?

The spoon theory was devised by Christine Miserandino, as a way of helping her family and friends understand how she lives with chronic illness. She writes about it in her essay ‘The Spoon Theory’ on her website ‘butyoudontlooksick.com’. I would recommend a look as it’s a much better explanation than mine!

Basically, each activity that you might do in a day uses up ‘spoons’. Even little things like boiling a kettle or walking up stairs. You replenish these ‘spoons’ through rest. A ‘spoonie’, or someone with a chronic illness, has to conserve these spoons else they will run out, but someone without a chronic illness pretty much has an unlimited amount of spoons to get them through the day.

If a ‘spoonie’ runs out of spoons they could borrow some from the next day, but this will leave them with less ‘spoons’ to use in the future.

To illustrate, yesterday I was so pleased that I managed to sit up all day without having to nap, and so in the evening I decided to have a shower. However, that meant borrowing a couple of ‘spoons’ from today (climbing the stairs and having the shower took more ‘spoons’ than I had left) so I’m paying the price now. It feels like a backward step as I had been feeling much better yesterday, but it’s a little reminder that it’s going to take baby steps (which is a bit longer than I’d like it to take!).

good things come in small packages

When I took my first Ivabradine it was so small I wasn’t even sure I’d swallowed it! It’s a tiny tablet anyway, but I have to cut them in half which is near impossible. It describes itself on the box as ‘salmon’ coloured. I was wondering if it came in fuchsia or teal but sadly not. Fun fact: pharmaceutical companies don’t like to make drugs a green colour because it’s considered unlucky. See, I have remembered SOMETHING from my nursing degree!

Ivabradine will obviously affect everyone differently, but so far I’ve experience headaches (normal for me), dizziness (normal for me, but occasionally it felt more like vertigo when the wheelchair would feel like it was moving when I had the breaks on; normally my dizziness feels like I’m looking through a haze). I have felt my heart rate slow, occasionally it’s felt really ‘heavy’ and pronounced, even more so than my usual palpitations. It’s a really slow acting drug though, which peaks after 30 mins and wears off after 4 hours.

I’m not looking forward to the most common side effect which is light sensitivity seeing as I’m very light sensitive anyway at the moment and am wearing sunglasses pretty much 24/7 so might have to become a mole or something. Lets hope that’s not a side effect I get (I mean light sensitivity, not turning into a mole. I’m pretty sure I didn’t read that as a side effect in the leaflet!). So far I’ve not felt a reduction in my PoTS symptoms but not sure if that’s because I’m feeling so extremely exhausted and rubbish at the moment anyway. Hopefully I’ll see some improvement in a couple of days when this ‘flare-up’ has settled.